Girl’s Night Out

After a week of sick leave I sit back and reflect on February the 20th girl’s night out.

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I finally feel I have support outside my family. I hope that SamHam, Jo, Bebe and Coco will become my besties one day. I’ll admit that I never gave any of them the time of day. They were all in their on click so I did ot bother. But, now, I  feel completely accepted.

 

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Never at Rest

UGH!! I’m so tired. I wish my brain would just stop and rest. My brain is always on the go – I mean, even when I am “resting” I’m reading, crocheting, tweeting, blogging, Facebooking, writing, planning, gaming, or figuring something out. I can never stop!

Oh! Don’t you dare give me caffeine!

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UGH! I guess I don’t really know what I’m asking. I just want a vacation from myself.

I know I have a high IQ. I also have an extreme drive to absorb new information and knowledge. I keep having a harder and harder time not getting bored with the things I keep busy with, and the things I’m trying to stay in touch with. I wonder if Einstein got bored a lot. Do other geniuses have these problems?

I just sometimes wish I could turn everything off. Especially when I’m going to bed at night and the only noise I keep hearing is my head. How do other geniuses sleep?

Abandoned

I tried n tried n tried n got absolutely nowhere today. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I tried so hard to get my work done, but I just ended up puttering. I wish I could start the day over. Does anybody else ever feel that way?

I feel like my life collapsing. Well sort of. All of sudden I feel like everything at home relies on me to keep it together. It seems if I lose control of daily schedules of the family the entire world will fall apart. Everything relies on me. I have no one to count on. No one I can trust who want pull me down.

I just don’t think I can do this alone.

I am so tired.

I feel abandoned and alone.

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My mom used to be there for me, but as of late she pulls me down a lot and is instilling doubt in me. I just can’t talk to her about things anymore. Now all I want is someone in my life to listen.

A Wednesday Night Ride

Wednesday nights are always when I go to mid-week Bible study at my church. In fact it is something I look forward to every week.

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This week I called to make sure my ride could pick me up around 5:30, no answer. It was an hour early so, no big deal. I went ahead and got dressed with plans to attend church. When 6:30 rolls around I call my ride again. There is still no answer. At this point I shift to my backup plan to get a ride: call the pastor so his wife can pick me up.

HOLD UP!!

Mama says no.

She says I am trying too hard to make my commitment. What commitment? I made no commitments except a promise to myself (New Year’s resolution) to never miss a church service unless I’m sick.

She is just upset that I am going to a different church other than the one been going to. I get why she is pissed either because they won’t take me, so I’m going to one I can get to. SO WHAT IS THE PROBLEM?!

It just another topic of my life I cannot talk to my mom about.

I am so mad she won’t let me get my own ride.

Perfection

I am doing my best to live up to my dad’s perfectionism. With the dementia the perfectionism has just gotten worse.

  • I work hard to keep up with the books and finances, but he keeps editing my ledger.
  • I am now cleaning behind myself (and mama I might add) in the kitchen.
  • I am turning off unused lights.
  • I am reducing clutter the best I can by trying to keep things put up (I’m a very messy person).
  • I’m also paying for as many household bills/expenses as possible, even though I only get $95 a months

This is all to keep him calm and reduce his fussiness.

Believe me, this has been a lot to. It has been driving me crazy. It does not feel like it has done much good either. But I will do any thing to cushion his fits of rage. I feel like I am going out of my mind.

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I know I am simply not good enough for him.

Even yesterday he was quizzing me on how I always had enough money to pay for everything I needed. HOW? Look at what I need and designate that much money for each month in my money jar. H e can not seem to grasp the concept that I have been saving every penny just get things like nail polish remover. And I coupon everything.

America’s Health Care System Rots

America’s medical system rots!

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Yes, I am on medicaid because I am disabled. They give me 6 prescription slot that I can fill each month (I used to get 12). I take 8 medications.

Well this month I got the kinks worked out that I get some of my medications at my doctors’ pharmacy and some of them at Walgreen’s.

I have only filled 2 medicaid slots. So, you would say no problem, right? WRONG!

One medication I cannot get filled. Medicaid says it is not necessary.

I take prescription strength Potassium because I am hypokalemic (due to another medication I take).

When I get the RX change from liquid to pills I will get it at my doctors’ pharmacy. I’m completely out though.

Now, because of stupid medicaid I am in bed having muscle spasm.

My fears

My dad blew up at last night. Nothing new there. I just bottle those feelings up in my head. As if it matters any ways. It would not matter if I engaged in the issue with him or not any ways because I know it is the dementia and not him. But it was a little before 9 pm and he was yelling me to shut up because everybody was in bed. Having to deal with this is so draining. Ugh!!

I feel like all of a sudden I’m caring the weight of the world on my shoulders and what scares me the most is if any of my pillars (a.k.a. mom or dad’s ability to drive, a car breaking down, a loss of finances, etc.) crumbles my world will fall apart because I feel like have nobody to ask for help now.

I have always relied on my mom, now I don’t think I can. Lately, it seems more and more now, mama’s mind has been slipping. I’m not sure if is stress causing it. But she blames me for all of it, things she misplaced or forgot to do. Then she jumps all over my case for it.

I’m scared what will become of me. They have kept me so sheltered that if anything was to ever happen to them (like now) I have no way to take care of my own needs. Nothing is set up for me.

I’m scared that if this was to happen

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I would be left with no ability and no resources to take care of my life.